Saturday, October 31, 2009

A Halloween Horror Story

What do you do when you have like four good blog posts swimming around in your head, and you can't decide which one to post.
Easy.. You have a morning like mine and it trumps everything else. You just have to wait for the rest of them.

After a pleasant evening yesterday and a quiet night (i.e.-Jonathan slept all night), Jonathan actually even slept in. He woke up around 9 AM.  Which means I woke up around 9:05. Everette was already gone.. to dig holes in the church parking lot. So I was all set to have a pleasant morning alone with my baby. I was even, niavely thinking I might make it to my first very last Farmer's Market. Not sure what I was thinking..
I stumbled out of bed to get Jonathan, thankfully I remembered to grab my glasses, because I was going to need command of my every ability as soon as I walked into that room.

The first thing that greeted me, besides Jonathan smiling face was an unusually strong odor. The kind that would make a teenage boy pass out (that's bad... teenage boys thrive on bad odors). I debated turning around and just pretending I never heard or saw anything. Then I wondered if you could get paramedics to change diapers if you call 911. But it was too late, I had been spotted, there was no turning back.
As I entered the room the scent only grew stronger. (the following paragraphs are not for those with vivid imaginations or weak stomachs).
I have to confess, I have changed some pretty smelly diapers before, but this one was by far the worst smelling diaper I have ever smelled in my life. It was not the smell of a healthy bowel movment, we'll just say. I was seriously regretting not eating before I went in. Do you ever have  these moments--I had them a lot when I was pregnant- when you wake up hungry, so hungry you are almost nauseaus, and then you encounter a strong smell only to make things worse. Plus after this experience I might not be eating for days... I am telling you the odor was so strong it burned my nostrils.

I pulled Jonathan out of bed and laid him on the changing table. I unzipped his footie pajamas... and  what I saw made me step back and regroup. I needed reinforcecments. This is when I would usually call Everette, but he was gone, and I was flying solo. But still I needed a plan. I thought through my options. The best option in times like these is to take the baby straight to the bath tub. Which was sad because he had just had a very prolonged and pleasant bath last night, but that's another story. But there were other issues... as..uh...the mess wasn't contained. Again those items, in my opinion are best dealt with straight in the washing machine.  But here was the first hiccup. I had clothes in the washer. 
So I  left Jonathan where he was, and headed to the bathroom to turn on the bathwater and switch the laundry over. Yes--I left Jonathan on the changing table. Call the authorities, except I am pretty sure even they wouldn't have entered that room. If I would have had a biohazzard suit I would have worn it.  
I returned to remove the diaper (I should have gotten gloves). Let's just say that the dipaer was not only full, it was fully saturated.  And it wasn't urine. Are you people getting the picture!?!  It is in moments like these when I think moms that do cloth diapers deserve some sort of metal for valor, or should be checked into the nearest psychiatric hospital, or both.

Then, with arms fully extended (I need some serious upper body strength training) I carried Jonathan still in his pj's to the tub. And here is the conversation in my head...
"I should have taken his pj's off before I did this."
"why?!? It would just spread the poop everywhere"
"Yeah, but they are going to get all wet when I put him down in the tub."
"Seriously?! Are we even having this conversation!?! Getting wet are the least of those Pj's problems."

I dropped Jonathan in the tub, removed the stanky jammies, and ran into another hiccup. 
Jonathan hates the shower sprayer and screams like a girl in a bad horror movie everytime it's near him, but if I fill the tub then the poop flakes will be floating around in the water, and well, that's just gross.
Solution: I let the tub fill up washed the poop flakes off, turned off the water, drained the tub and started over.
While the tub was filling again I went to "assess the bed". Let me at this moment mention that from the very beginning when trying to assess the odor, I thought it smelled like "more than poop".  Taking the sheets off the bed, I discovered the "more than poop". There was some throw-up in there too. 
So now I am replaying the events of last night wondering if he is sick or ate something that upset his stomach or ate too much, blah blah blah. 
Jonathan was and is acting completely normal. Mostly happy with a moderate amount of whining thrown in to keep it real.
 So we'll have to stay tuned to rule out the sick factor. 

For now, I am trying to get that terrible smell out of that bedroom. I have removed the offending diaper, and rotten sheets--oh yeah it soaked all the way to the mattress pad. Wiped down the mattress and the entire crib, but that room still smells putrid. I am considering painting it with Killz. But for now if your kids like haunted houses and horror movies send them over tonight and I will let them do the laundry and take the trash out!


Annie said...

My kids only seem to be sick when Bob's gone. I feel your pain.

And I don't know what the deal is, but after I read your post, I went upstairs to check on Lucy who was crying (it was her naptime) ... and she'd thrown up in her bed. It was definitely not as bad as Jonathan's situation this morning, but still, it was a straight-to-the-bath moment. Well, after I went downstairs to bring Will up, because you know the minute I put Lucy in the tub, Will would start screaming... It's just the way it works at our house.

Hope he's feeling better soon!

Michelle said...

That is seriously awful. Ugh. Also, I am thinking out loud and am probably jinxing myself as I say it, but since Emily was with both Lucy and Jonathan yesterday does that mean that it's my turn tonight?

Megan said...

Don't say it Michelle!
So Sorry to send it your way Annie.