To Whom It May Concern:

To Whoever crept into my home last night while I was sleeping soundly in my bed, and snatched up my sweet darling baby boy. To Whoever reached into the crib of this angelic child's slumber and shook him and woke him and filled his mind with all sorts of terrible ideas. To Whatever was pinching him in the dead of the night and causing him to scream incessantly and inconsolably for hours depriving him and me of much needed sleep. To whoever carried away my kind, easy-going, playful, cheerful, loving, obedient son and replaced him with some sort of whining, crying, tantrum-throwing, limp, lifeless, disobedient, holy-terror, horrible clone monster. To whoever would do such a terrible thing to a mother, beware, I am coming for you. And my little boy too.