Thursday, January 27, 2011


This is Diet Dr Pepper Chocolate Milk Water. It is the newest hottest trend in America's quest for hydration.

It's delicious... sort of...
You might think, wow that's a weird combo. How do you get Diet Dr Pepper Chocolate Milk Water?

Allow me to explain.

First, you give birth to a boy. You instill in this boy a love for all acceptable forms of liquid hydration. Then, you fill up his Nalgene bottle with chocolate milk (you do this, even though it is early in the morning, because you are trying to get out the door without the beginning of World War III, and you justify it because you are absolutely planning on stopping at Starbucks for a latte).
Then, you take the boy on a road trip. To O'Hare to drop your brother-in-law off to board a plane bound for Spain (where he plans to be a world famous matador).

Then you let your son watch "bideos" the whole way up. Then you turn directly around and head back to Lafayette. And you suddenly realize, that this is not really a short trip to Chicago, it is really an all day 6 hour journey.
Then you let your son fall asleep in the car, which he does, and you are happy for one hour. Then you realize that you drank 700 ounces of Diet Dr Pepper and you have to pee. 

So you try to stop gradually hoping he will stay asleep... No luck.

It is 15 minutes later when you realize that you must have left your son back at the gas station, and instead strapped a screeching howler monkey into his seat, you cry a little inside.

You refuse to let him watch any more "DBDs" because you are really into self-torture and you have deluded yourself into thinking he will go back to sleep.
He begins to scream for chocolate milk, which of course you don't have. So you offer water. He screams in protest.
Because you are an awesome mother, you attempt to pour the bottle of water into your Diet Dr Pepper cup while driving so your beloved son can drink through a straw.  He chucks it on the floor and you are right back where you started, except the delicious pellet ice in your cup is now melted.
He then demands the water in his chocolate milk "cuppy". And because you are in bondage to your tyrannical screeching howler monkey you carefully remove the lid and bravely place the cup between your legs. And while drving 70+ mph on the Interstate you pour the Diet Dr Pepper water into the green nalgene bottle.  At this moment, you realize that you probably would have been better off just peeing your pants because at least that would have been warm water in your crotch... and your howler monkey would still be asleep.
Because you are human, and sometimes you need to feel vindicated, you put the lid back on the bottle, give it a good shake to completely mix in the residual chocolate milk sludge and hand it back to your monkey.

Waiting for him to take his first drink of the wretched concoction, smirking a little to yourself.
But alas, he drinks it happily and remains silent for the remainder of the trick. You are one part disappointed, then you remember that this is the same kid to who dips his potato chips in applesauce and his apples in ketchup. So mostly you are grateful to have appeased the howler monkey. 

You get home, and it dawns on you that the combination must have created some strange chemical reaction, and the liquid turned into some sort of baby crack.  So you decide to bottle it and make a million dollars so you can call up those silly "Baby Einstein" inventors and tell them that they can stick it! That you can take something incredibly dull and common and make a fortune from it too!

bottoms up everyone!

1 comment:

claudy3156 said...

you are killing me! So funny!