Thursday, March 18, 2010

Freak Show

The circus has come to town, and they are staying at our house.
Actually it's more like a dog and pony show... without the ponies... ponies would be nice.

We are dog sitting Everette's parents dogs for a few days. And  this is how my day started.

7:15 AM the alarm went off. Actually all three alarms went off. The battery operated alarm, the radio in the bathroom, and the fail safe alarm in the next room. Unfortunately, that alarm doesn't have a snooze, and it is one of those annoying alarms that only gets louder with time.

7:25 AM (yes I said 7:25 don't judge me).I went to retrieve the sounding alarm. Brought it into bed and turned it off with PBS and milk. Yes again. don't judge me.

8:10 AM begin to rouse.  Everette and I begin to alternate trips to the bathroom. Think about old we are getting.

8:20 AM Everette's dad arrives with the dogs. A flurry of wagging tails and butt sniffing ensues.

8:40 AM We herd all the dogs upstairs and hop back into bed for some more snuggle time. We are big snugglers over here.

9 AM go downstairs with all three dogs to make breakfast. Let dogs outside and enjoy relative peace and quiet.

9:10 AM peek outside to check on dogs. Things are fine. Continue making breakfast

9:20  Go outside with jonathan in my bare feet to collect dogs. Realize two of the dogs have escaped the electric fence and have wandered into the neighboring yards and one found a petrified marshmallow to chew on. Attempt to call them.
Quickly realize the whole power balance of this dog pack is off. My dog suddenly doesn't think he has to listen to me. The others are too fascinated with all of the new smells to notice me. Not to mention that one is almost completely blind and largely deaf. However I am in my bare feet and we haven't scooped poop since August and I am not going out there. So I begin to call more loudly and more impatiently. I finally get two dogs in (along with Jonathan) and stomp my feet to get the blind one to follow the sound of my feet to the door.
Meanwhile, my dog tries to slip past me in a desperate attempt to retreive his marshmallow.
In a fit of rage I grab him by the collar and drag him into the house while he coughs and hacks from his restricted airway. While this may sound cruel-and it probably is... please believe me that this is an incredible exercise in restraint on my part.

9:30 AM Continue to herd the dogs and my son up the stairs to Everette's office in hopes to take a shower in peace. Cursing the layout of my house.
You see... my house is a figure 8 with my stairs right at the cross, which means the dogs have two other escape routes in addition to the stairs. Three if they can manage a 360 and slip past me.
At this point I am shouting both out of anger and so blind/deaf dog can hear me and stop wandering aimlessly around the house. Cursing myself for letting the situation get so totally out of control and making it worse as the dogs sense my frustration.
At one point my dog defiantly ran away from me.  which brought me to a boiling point and I am sad to say that I smacked my dog hard on his rump.
As I herd them chaotically up the stairs and down the hall to the office pounding on the wall so blind/deaf dog will follow along, I open the office door and Everette yells at me, because... he is... working....on the phone... in his office... where he works... and I am screaming like a possessed woman in the hallway.
So I turn the dogs around and take them into the bedroom.

9:40 AM With child and dogs trapped in the bedroom I turn on the shower. All along I had planned to take Jonathan in the shower with me (it had been a while people, and it wasn't going to happen that night either). Quickly began to regret this decision. Jonathan became a clingy whiny baby (imagine that... what audacity). He likes the shower, but he likes you to hold him in the water.. so much for cleaning.

10 AM I open the shower door and step on blind/deaf dog (because he didn't hear/see the door open and I was holding whiny/clingy baby).
Try to get dressed in my bedroom that has become a labyrinth of doggie beds. Remember when you were little and you used to hop around on things pretending the floor was burning hot lava? You could have a great time doing that in my bedroom.

10:20 everyone is mostly decent and mostly calm and I herd the dogs down the hallway back to Everette's office. I apologize for screaming like a wild banshee and the dogs get settled.

10:30AM  I go down to make sack lunches for the park.

11:00 AM Jonathan and I head out to the garage to load up. I open Jonathan's door for him to climb in, run in realizing I forgot something. Head back to the car, hop in, hit the auto door close, turn on the car. As I reach to put the car in reverse, I gasp as I realize I never actually buckled jonathan in. I look back and realize he isn't in his seat! I punch the auto door button and it changes directions. I turn off the car and run around to see my son halfway into the car, totally unphased.
Send up repeated prayers of thanks. buckle my son in, and head back to the drivers seat.
Stop. take a breath. try to slow my pulse and regain the strength in my knees as I reel from the prospect of both squishing my son in the door or running him over.
Realize I am WAY too stressed out mostly of my own making and I need to get a grip!

11:13 AM pull out of the drive way headed to our 11 AM play date.
welcome to the Freak Show that is my life... mostly me.
some of you might read this and think I am being a little crazy about the dogs. And I would just like to say:
1. you are right I am and largely for no good reason--I have issues.
2. I am not a dog person.. and I am definitely not a multiple dog person.
3. Everette's parents dogs are getting along in years, and have a history of relieving themselves of... whatever, in some dark corner of your house when you aren't looking. So I am obsessed with letting them out often and keeping them in eyesight at all times.

On that note: Mary and WL if you are reading... we are ending day two and your dogs have been really good. I am starting to relax a little. and I think we'll all make it! And don't feel bad about leaving your dogs with me-- it is really mostly me being psycho, and I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooo indebted to you. I already have years of backlogged babysitting and dog-sitting hours. We are getting a system and it is working fine. I promise.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love this post...I am cracking up, picturing you all over the house with the dogs. Can I send Isabelle your way for a few days? :)
Love - Meghan