Tuesday, March 9, 2010

My mother has a hex on her.

You may have read this in my previous posts (if not.... what they heck is your problem?), and thought it was a joke. But it is not.
My mom is cursed.
Before I go any further I need to explain a couple of things.
1. I am 28 (ack!) I realized when I was 20 that I am slowly (or quickly) turning into my mother. My mom is a lot like her mom and has spent several decades denying it. I am taking a different approach. I am embracing it head on.  Shortly after I had the aforementioned epiphany, I realized that although there are lots of things that drive me batty about my mom, when it comes right down to it.. she is pretty awesome. And there are, in fact, a lot of qualities I would like to have from her. So if, in order to obtain the good, I have to take with them all the bad, I willingly succumb to the transformation, and consider myself the better for it. The other advantage to this approach, is that since I know that I already do and will continue to have them as life goes on, I believe it gives me full license to tease my mother mercilessly. And she, in good spirit, takes what she so often invites.

2. the other important fact is, one way in which we differ. My mother does not cook. I would say cannot, but I think it is more of a disdain than an ability issue. I may not be the most gourmet of chefs, but it is something I really enjoy.

My mother does however, love to make drinks.  No, not the adult kind, although more than once I found a funny tasting Sprite can laying around the kitchen counter, in my youth.  Whenever we have a family get together, mom is in charge of the drinks. She has a famous punch recipe, requested by anyone who knows her.
She loves to experiment with mixing different flavors and trying bizzare new beverages.
In fact I will end this post with her fantastic no calorie Kool-Aid recipe.

Just to keep you hanging on.

  I think this drink mixing obsession is getting a little carried away.
A few days ago, I opened my fridge after my mom had visited and found this.

That's right folks, three opened cans of soda.

Allow me to explain. They were opened, because my mom made herself a suicide (you know when you mix all the soda at the soda fountain together in your giant 789 oz cup). Only she made it in a glass at my house with canned pop.

The Coke Zero is to maintain the original coke flavor with few calories and to avoid the evil Aspartame.
The Caffeine Free Diet Pepsi is because in my mom's old age she is a little sensitive to caffeine... and lettuce (ironically, not cabbage... homegirl can eat cabbage by the bag-- love ya mom!). And finally the cherry coke, for the cherry flavor, because my ma loves cherry!

And because she probably hasn't discovered that Coca Cola makes Cherry Coke Zero too.

But I still haven't gotten to the hex.
In my mother's quest for hydration she carries her beverages with her. She has a collection of bottles and cups for her every beverage needs. She has
water bottles,

McDonalds coffee cups,

Family Express fountain drink cups.... And she likes to carry these cups... in her purse. Her problem is, she repeatedly, fails to properly seal these cups. And they spill... all the time..in her purse! All the time!!!!
Her purses smell like coffee and Soarin' Roarin' Strawberry Lemonade.

 Seriously, this is my future here. I do not make this stuff up.

This has been going on for many years, my mom has shown me important papers wrinkled with coffee stains. I myself, have been the recipient of birthday cards, checks and cold hard cash, sweet smelling and pale pink. This curse has even parlayed into the occasional soup dump. If it is liquid, it has been in the bottom of my mom's bag.

Most recently my mom and I were embarking on a great adventure. We were headed east to visit my aunt in Cleveland.                                    (sorry Nancy, I couldn't resist!)

It was just the two of us and Jonathan. I picked her up and we were headed out the door with the final load of her stuff (you would be amazed at the amount of stuff two adults and a toddler can generate). I had her bags and she had Jonathan. I watched as she stuck her Big chug into her purse.

My subconscious said "mom, is the lid on?" But I thought surely, she would have put the lid on, surely she has learned her lesson. So I kept my mouth shut. Giving her the benefit of the doubt.

She put her bag down to buckle Jonathan in the back seat. I went around to start the car. My mom picked up her purse and eased her self into her seat, as she was pulling the door closed, I heard an expletive escape her mouth. Now in my mom's defense, she rarely swears.  So I knew it must be something bad.
Then I watched as she leaned back out the door, pinched her bag closed the way you strain a pot so as not to lose the contents, tipped her purse and poured 32 ounces of Soarin' Roarin' Strawberry lemonade goodness out of her mercifully red purse onto the driveway.

At this point there was nothing to do except for both of us to erupt into hysterical laughter. Gut-busting, eye-watering, head-rearing laughter. The laughter continued for miles as my mom proceeded to empty the contents of her purse, asses the damage and pitifully blot them with paper towels. Which she tried to refuse when I first offered them.
The laughter reprised at every rest stop as my mom attepmted to sort through her pile to find money only to find it pink and wet, and finally when we reached her destination and her purse contents were sprawled out in the bedroom drying by fan.

The important lesson learned here is to never offer to carry my mom's drink in your bag. Please, I beg you.
And if this ever happens to me even once.... please someone slap me. Hard.

See you thought I forgot....
Soarin' Roarin' Strawberry No Calorie Kool-Aid
1 gallon jug
2 pckts SR Strawberry Lemonade
9 pkts Raw Stevia
3-4 pkts of Splenda

Heat 1 c of water in microwave and mix in all powders to dissolve. add to rest of water, taste, add splenda if necessary.
Other variations... sometimes my mom adds a little diet Hawaiian Punch or Ocean Spray cranberry juice, just to keep it interesting.
However, I must warn you to imbibe at your own risk... I am not sure if the hex is contagious!


Michelle said...

Great post, Meg.

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Crystal Trigg said...

Tooo funny Megan...those are the best laughing fits with Moms! Also you have an expletivce (inadvertenly I am sure) in your post..you see instead of putting assess the damage, you put asses teh damage! Add another s girlie!
Love to all.