Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Hot Sweaty Neck Head

This is a real condition from which I suffer. Do not laugh at my pain. It is very serious.
We should start a research foundation, and pass out ribbons.

This condition is largely hereditary, passed down from my mom. It is occurs when the mountain of hair on your head traps the heat trying to escape from your head and your necks becomes highly sensitive to the 12 inch thick wool blanket draped around it. And it begins to creep back up your head until it is a large sweaty ball of fire.
I won't lie it is actually helpful in the winter... keeping your ears toasty warm. And it really isn't as bad as you'd think in the summer, because when your whole body is sweltering, who cares if your head is a measly 10 degrees hotter.
It is the most awful in the spring and fall. When the rest of your body is that perfect temperature, but your head feels like you stuck it in the oven. The longer it persists the more you think about doing crazy things. Things like moving to alaska, or taking an ice bath, or shaving your head. It can be severely debilitating, especially when you happen to find yourself downstairs without a hairtie, and the heat builds and the sweat drips down your head, and you can feel it sliding down your brain, and you cannot wipe it off because you cannot actually find the sweat under the mass of hair piled on top of your head. And because of your Hot-Sweaty-Neck-Head (HSNH) syndrome you are immobilized, and cannot go upstairs to get one. You are forced to lie on the couch, gather your hair together and attempt to twist it on top of your head and angle head on the arm of the couch so that it traps your hair above your neck, but allows your neck to breathe fresh cool air from the fan that you made your husband get up and turn on. And you can only sigh, loudly and do that other thing when you exhale with your lower lip out and attempt to blow air up on top of your head, but all you reall do is blow it into your nose, which forces you to breathe in, what you breathe out, thus depriving you of oxygen sending you into a downward spiral. You also must whine a lot. This is a symptom-not a choice. Please understand.
HSNH is exacerbated by other conditions that might raise your body temperature. Like the flu, or being pregnant (this is accompanied by a whole host of other Hot Sweaty places-like Hot Sweaty Knee Cap, etc.).

I'm telling you life is hard. for me.
Every year it's the same ordeal. I try to grow my hair out, becuase I want to be pretty and I want to have long flowing princess hair. But as soon as winter is over Hot-Sweaty-Neck-Head takes over and I am forced to either cut my hair or check myself into the nearest air-conditioned psychiatric ward.
Please have pity on me.
Donate to the Hot-Sweaty-Neck-Head Research Foundation, help end this terrible tragedy.

P.S. this is not in ANY way meant to make fun of real Research Foundations who do important things like curing cancer, or heart disesase, you should really donate to them.

1 comment:

Angie Oswalt said...

LOLOLOLOLOL - I can totally relate to this, which is why my hair is now short! :) You're hilarious!